I have been in the habit of jumping on the scale as soon as I wake up. For years, this has been my automatic response. YEARS. And I hate to say this but the scale pretty much dictates my mood for that day. I have snapped at my kids, and took out my frustration on my family simply because I did not see the right number appear. Now, you may say that’s ridiculous, but as a former obese person, my fears of falling back into old habits sometimes overwhelms me but even more I CRAVE to see a certain number appear on the scale each morning.
In my quest to be the “perfect” size I have made an idol out of weighing a certain amount. For me, it is 135. I just want to weigh 135. There. I did it. I’m throwing it all out there. I feel like a big fat failure because I don’t weigh 135. You know what I weigh? 143. and I wear a size 4, maybe a size 6 in skinny jeans. For goodness sake. What the hell is wrong with me?
For some reason that is the magic number. The birds will sing! The heavens would open and I will be happy with myself! But guess what? When I did weigh 135 for like 2.2 seconds, I wasn’t even happy. I still wasn’t good enough. I nit-picked other things about my body. And to top it off, I didn’t even feel that great at that weight. And to top that off even more, many people thought I was too skinny. If this is where I would insert a 4 letter word, it’d be right here.
I’m quite over it. LIKE OVER IT! I have worked too long and too hard to continue to hate myself for things I can longer fix. I’m sorry, but my body does not want to weigh 135. It just doesn’t. I would have to starve myself, and ya’ll know my obsession with eating good, amazing food would ever keep me from not eating.
Recently I had a health scare that completely turned me upside down. I worried that the worst case scenario was true. I panicked. I stressed. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I called my sister, who yelled at me to go to the DR. I refused and said no, then changed my mind and went. After lots of blood work, and a chest x-ray. I finally got the results back. ALL TESTS WERE PERFECTLY HEALTHY AND NORMAL.
What was the cause of my worrisome health scare? You will not even believe this, no like really. I’m going to faint. OMG. My health issue was a result of over doing it at the gym and stress. Yup, trying too hard to become something that I’m not physically caused my body damage.
My blood work was so good, that it borderline said I was underweight based on my waist measurement, height, weight, blood labs, levels, and body composition. WHAT?
You mean all that stressing, worrying, striving, and trying to change my body actually caused me to harm my body? When in reality I am the perfect weight for my body composition. *SIGH, SIGH, SIGH*
I think God uses the best situations to completely right our backwards, twisted thinking. He used a health scare to finally wake me up, and stop hating my body. A FREAKING HEALTH SCARE. Sometimes I swear he is laughing.
Something has finally clicked in my brain. I do every day what I know my body needs. I feed it right and I work out. I am healthy and I feel amazing. I am taking care of myself to the best of my ability. I can finally let go of the scale. It has lost its power over me. In fact, I’m pretty sure you will find it at my next yard sale.
Do you want help from on your own weight loss journey? Need some encouragement and motivation? Contact me at Carladurbin22@gmail.com if you want to finally get out of your rut and onto a healthier lifestyle.