Category Archives: Grace

My thoughts on life

A Prayer Unanswered

 

I’ve experienced prayers answered immediately, and I have prayed the same prayer over and over and over. And over again.

I found this old blog, written two-and-a-half years ago, right before my world came crashing down. And I mean days before the life I knew for 15 years was over.  Read on my loves, read on.

“Prayers unanswered are one of the hardest things for me to grasp. How easy it is to become angry and bitter. How quickly I am to believe that God doesn’t care. That my problems are too great and too devastating for me to recover from.

You see, I’ve been praying for the same one thing for ten long years.  It affects my daily life, every hour of the day.  I have questioned God and His lack of response, raising my voice and face to the sky. I have been whole heartedly angry about it for years.  That anger has seeped into the deepest part of my being, causing every action and word out of my mouth to drag through that bitterness. Disappointment is a friend I know all too well.

What started as a plea to the Almighty turned into self-righteous demand to make the situation better. I think I believed that I am entitled to have my prayer answer. I convinced myself that it was God’s will to answer it.

With my problem feeling like a heavy suitcase sitting on my chest, crushing my lungs and sucking the life out of me. I feel hopeless and this problem is so great that I can’t move on. Ice cream is what’s for dinner-my coping mechanism when things feel out of control.

In my anger, I have run from God. Only to feel more distraught. And He sought after me and spoke to my heart…

Because at this very moment I feel so very hopeless. The anger is gone, and all I’m left with is a sea of despair.

And I just need to hear His voice. To find some sort of peace.

I turn to Job in the Bible. To re-read how a man lost EVERYTHING…his children, his wife, his wealth, his home, his friends, his community, and lastly his health, and mental stability. And I am reminded that God is BIGGER than all that devastation.

“He it is Who spreads out the northern skies over emptiness and hangs the earth upon or over nothing. He holds the waters bound in His clouds and the cloud is not rent under them. The pillars of the heavens tremble and are astonished at His rebuke. He stills or stirs up the sea by His POWER. By His breath the heavens are garnished. YET these are but a small part of His doings, the outskirts of His way or the mere fringes of His force, the faintest whisper of His voice! Who dares contemplate or who can understand the thunders of His FULL, magnificent POWER?” -Job 26:7-14

He hung our universe in nothing. It is by HIS POWER that the sea moves. By HIS BREATH the heavens are garnished.

As He reminded me of his limitless power, I can find rest. Nothing is too small for my God. Job saw God’s goodness through his pain. He understood who God is. My unanswered prayer is still in process, but maybe the process had more to do with my heart’s content then what I was praying for. God ran after me even when I rejected Him. He loves me enough to comfort me even as I am ungrateful to appreciate the life He has given me.”

What was I praying for ten long years? That God would intervene in my marriage. That God would change the circumstances in it. This was my heart days before my husband and I separated for the very last time. I had resigned to letting go of my ten year old prayer. I let go. I unclenched my tightly wound up fist, and opened my palm and heart to God.

God intervened the minute my heart fully, and I mean fully let it go and trusted Him. I look back and realize that God was waiting on me. I think for 10 years he waited on me to get my heart in the right place.

There is a Garth Brook’s song that says “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” God did answer my prayer, just in a manner I never dreamed possible. I am BEYOND thankful for the path of unknowns that God led me down. I’m thankful for the devastation of a divorce, I know that sounds bizarre, but it was through that hardship that I found my purpose, my calling, my soulmate (I am now remarried) and a trusting relationship with the God who has my best interest in mind, even when I can’t see it in the moment.

Want to read more about how God showed up my in my divorce? Click here

Photo by my hubby. Follow him on Instagram to see his photography @jmdurbin33

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